Monday Blues

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for what seems like forever now. We’ve tried the traditional method(s). We’ve miscarried, been turned down for adoptions, and failed at IVF. I’m feeling frustrated, sad, defeated and like giving up. Can you say something that makes me feel better?

Oh, honey…I’m so sorry. I wish I could say something magical to make you feel better. I think one of the hardest struggles we face as women is the desire to become a mother when it seems like the universe is conspiring against us.

I feel you. I really do. Here’s the thing: You aren’t alone. When you are in this situation, it feels like you are completely alone, the only one suffering, the only one who has ever dealt with this monumental despair. I promise, you aren’t. It may seem like women all around you are getting pregnant without trying–without even wanting to get pregnant. It sucks.

I know so many women who have been through this, and I hear the same thing over and over: It will all be worth it someday. The pain, the disappointment, the despair will dissipate when you’re holding your baby in your arms. The baby you prayed for, hoped for, never thought would happen. Don’t give up. Allow yourself to feel the sadness and grieve the losses, but if you really want to be a mom, don’t give up on that dream.

I am holding you close to my heart, sweet friend. And I know that so many of my friends who are reading this share your heartbreak and are holding you close and sending you positive energy as well.

Happy New Year, honey

“How are you always so happy?”

Those who know me really well, my  husband for instance, are saying, “She’s not. She’s a damned mess 75% of the time.” And that’s the truth. I’m not always happy. I try to put on a happy face. I try to be happy. But sometimes, I’m not. You can read all about my malaise…my dark place on Adventures in Overthinking.

I try not to overthink here. Or give advice.

But here’s my answer: I’m not always so happy. I try to put stuff in perspective. Count my blessings, cliche as it sounds. Remind myself that whatever unpleasantness I’m experiencing is temporary. Shift my focus to something that makes me smile. Meditate. Do yoga.

And sometimes I take to my bed. Cry. Throw tantrums. Feel sorry for myself. Eat a bunch of shit. Drink too many beers.

No one’s always so happy, my friend, please don’t hold yourself up to a false standard. We’re all struggling in different ways, and if someone seems to have a perfect life, you can bet under the surface they’re paddling like mad to make that way. Or to make it appear that way to themselves or others. Good for them. We’re all in this together. Your success is mine. My happiness is yours. Let’s do a better job of cheering each other on in 2017!

Wanna chat? Great! send an email to: hihoney.jfz@gmail.com

Fear Sounds Like Your Worst Enemy

I have been so afraid to “launch” this website. But I realize now that my fear was based on what people would say about me. How people would judge me. So I said to myself exactly what I thought those would say:

Who does she think she is?

She’s not a good writer.

She’s fake.

She’s full of herself.

She needs attention

What kind of credentials does she have?

She’s a bitch.

She’s stupid.

And then I realized: Being a listener is my gift, and if I don’t use that gift to help people, then that is actually selfish.

So I listened to a lot of podcasts. And I read a lot of books. And Liz Gilbert, Brene Brown, Cheryl Strayed and Glennon Doyle Melton gave me the courage to cast that fear of rejection aside. I’ve learned that some people will criticize even your most kind and genuine efforts, but that shouldn’t stop you from being kind and generous.

My goal in making this website was not selfish or ego-driven; it was motivated by the desire to help people feel heard and validated. It’s so important to have someone who listens to us. In so many conversations, other people are only waiting for a pause so they can respond. They’re so busy formulating their opinions or coming up with a witty comeback that they can’t process what we’re sharing. Not very many people hear, and fewer actually listen.

So…here it is, friends. Be kind 🙂

Hi Honey…

Lots of people are quick to advise, pass judgement and tell others what they should or shouldn’t do. But what many of us really want instead is for someone to be with us, listen and hold space for our thoughts and feelings while we come to our own decisions.

Toni Morrison said, “If there’s a book that you want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet, then you must write it.” That’s how I felt about this. I wanted to create an “anti-advice” column. A space where people could write in and feel like they were sharing feelings with a girlfriend. Hence, “Hi honey…” since that is how most of my conversations with my girlfriends start.

Thanks for visiting. While you’re here, expect radical empathy, loving-kindness and unconditional positive regard. And please come back often 🙂

Wanna chat? Great! send an email to: hihoney.jfz@gmail.com

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